I’m very excited to again this week join a talented group of women who connect each Friday in an online, unedited (so excuse all errors) flash mob free-write based on a one-word prompt from our fearless leader Kate Motaung. My timer is set for 5 minutes; let’s see where the word “next” takes me.

Just when things have begun settling down a bit in my life, just when a couple of previously- difficult situations have changed for the better, just when I’m starting to feel like I’m moving in the right direction, life has thrown me a curve ball.

A big one. One that is, in many ways, absolutely-wonderful!

But there’s a catch. This delightful, unexpected situation requires a decision on my part. And like the curveball itself, that decision is major. 

I used to be a pretty confident decision-maker. Not anymore.

I’ve discussed this here before. Perhaps my decision-making confidence is weaker now that I have nobody with whom to share ideas and the responsibility of the decision. Perhaps I struggle because, with age and experience, I realize for more than before the far-reaching consequences of the decisions I make. Or maybe now that I’m older and more battle-weary, I’m not as fearless as I used to be. Of course, the wide array of options available to me as a retired woman living on her own can be overwhelming. 

Whatever the reason(s), I’m going to need to decide — and soon — what my next step will be. 

Not for the first time these past nearly-10 years, I wish I could abdicate responsibility. I wish I could go back in time and put on my pajamas, brush my teeth, and go to bed, content in the knowledge that while I was drifting off to sleep, my parents would discuss the situation and make the decision for me.

But that isn’t an option. 

I’ve prayed. I’ve jotted down my options. I’ve journalled. I’ve prayed even more. I’ve jotted down my options yet again and put little plusses and minuses next to each one.

Yet I’m no closer to a decision than I was when the curveball first came my way.

As a result, I’m stressed, impatient with myself and the world, and more than a little cranky.

It’s time to put on my pajamas, brush my teeth, and go to bed. The decision won’t be made for me while I sleep, but maybe, just maybe 

There went the buzzer. Time’s up. If you’re so inclined, I ask that you pray for me as I make this decision. Please understand that I cannot share any details yet. I’d also love to hear about your experience in making a major decision.